Okay, so the reading for Musicology scared me. A lot. Not the content so much, though a rant on that will be coming soon enough. I realized that while this week I may only have 20 pages of reading for my English class, before long I would have a total of 500-600 pages of reading between the two classes. On top of all that, I would be expected to write a lot and continue composing extensively. Today I realized that there is no way I can possibly do all that and retain my sanity.
I've been very sensitive about my sanity lately. I've gained a lot of perspective since graduating from undergrad, and I see now that I pushed myself way too hard and sacrificed my happiness way too much for grades. I spent a good deal of undergrad strained to the limit, on the verge of breakdown, constantly taking on more and trying to be perfect at all of it. In the end, I missed out on a lot of life, but had a lot of really great work to show for it. I've gone in the complete opposite direction since then, and I'm having a hell of a time trying to strike some sort of balance. I have seriously burned out from going so hard for so long. This year, instead of dying because I'm working so hard, I'm dying because I'm having trouble forcing myself to work, to care about what I'm working on. It doesn't help that I'm really unhappy in my current program. I'm hoping that with a better lineup of classes and a more positive atmosphere, I might be able to turn things around this semester. I'm happy, I have a great home life, and I love nerding out with Warcraft and my D&D friends and reading. But I need that other kind of happiness, too. I never feel more fulfilled than I do when I work really hard on something and have a professor tell me that it's excellent work. It's not so much the praise that I need, though I do require the occasional affirmation that I don't suck everything I do. It's an artistic and intellectual satisfaction that I'm missing.
If I don't get that by the end of this semester, I think it might be the end of my time at this university.
And now, without all that scary reading ahead of me, I can devote my full time to my conference paper. Time to grab a beer and dig in.
