Continuing on from the previous post, I want to elaborate a little on my issues with the faculty as composition teachers and the Big Damn Fuckup that was my first year meeting.
I was planning to give the department a second chance this term, see if my second year got any better with one professor gone on sabbatical and another who was gone last year returned to active duty. The meeting in June was the last straw, however. First of all, the fact that I didn't even know about the meeting until the day before speaks to the department's disorganization and unclear expectations. Then, as I'm waiting outside the door for my turn, a guy in the second year of the program me tells me that this meeting determines whether or not I can advance to the next year of the degree and their expectations are really high. Something this important, and I wasn't told? I get in there and essentially get ripped apart, alternately told that my piece is really innovative and terribly executed. Without reciting the entire conversation, they were expecting a publisher-ready score and had different ideas for how the piece should have gone. Interesting, considering it's my piece and I thought that my musical ideas were the ones being expressed, not theirs.
Admittedly, part of the problem is system shock. I was always taught by previous composition teachers that your music is your own, and no one can tell you how you should write it; advice can be given on technique and the like but ultimately, it's your piece. Coming to this place and being told what specifically to change has been a serious issue for me, and I just don't believe in that type of artistic instruction. If something in one of my pieces doesn't work, fine, let me know where and why and I'll figure out how to correct it on my own. I retain creative control over my work, the piece is still 100% my own thought and effort, but it's better for the constructive criticism that's been given.
Another part of the issue was the quality they were demanding from the score when they knew that (1) I'd never produced a non-standard written score before, (2) was striking out into new notation territory, and (3) got little real help from the faculty past the initial very rough draft. Seems like setting me up for failure and a nice dressing down, which I certainly got. Sure, everyone needs to get knocked down a few pegs when they get to grad school; we all come out of undergrad as the top of our class, the best of the best, the ones in charge. Obviously, that doesn't continue in grad school. However, I've found through my own experiences and from talking to others that you get humbled more than enough within the first few weeks, if not the first few days. The first time I sat down to discuss the listening and reading assignments for a seminar class, I felt so horrible about myself I wanted to quit. I thought I was dumber than shit on a brick and would never make it through school. Additional dressing down not necessary; I already feel stupid and useless, thanks. Skip the unnecessary pot shots at my non-existent ego and give me some real feedback. Being told "...you're going to have to work twice as hard to be as smart as everyone else here" is just cruel, and that's an actual quote.
At the end of the meeting, though, I was stunned but largely okay. I had some things to fix, some of which I really didn't want to change but would for the sake of passing my first year. Then came the cherry on top. They ask me when I can have my revisions in, and I tell them that I'll be leaving town very soon, already have a summer job, several other time commitments, and some work for another professor that I had promised I would have finished before I left town. I say that it's unlikely I'll be able to begin revisions until after I return from Atlantic Center for the Arts (something they should have been proud of, but didn't acknowledge at all). The head of the department says no, forget about Professor Y, he can wait, this comes first. None of that other stuff matters, this is your degree, you have to do this to advance to the second year. You need this done in two weeks, forget all that other crap.
I don't appreciate being told what my priorities are. When I make a commitment to something I follow through, and that's that. I will not drop my job, my previous coursework, or anything else that I've already committed to because you decided to give one day's notice for a meeting in which you tell me that what you want is more important than anything else, ever. They actually told me to just pull lots of all-nighters and get it done. Promoting unhealthy work habits in your students? Yeah, okay, sometimes we do pull all-nighters, but it's our own choice and it's usually because we've not managed our time well. That's our problem. I won't sacrifice a healthy amount of sleep just because you want to show me how much control you can exert over me.
So, I ignored what they said and revised my piece after I got back from the residency. Soon afterwards, a message was sent out to the whole department by the head of music graduate studies with the guidelines for revisions of first year projects and papers. The policy states that we have until mid-September to do revisions. This is not a new policy.
It was all a power game.
To be continued.
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