"We make it up as we go!"

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File this under 'things you never want to hear from faculty'.

With the new semester upon us, old issues with the department are quickly fading into the background as new ones fly in my face. We had our pre-semester department orientation a little over a week ago, during which we were all reminded about degree requirements, given teaching advice, and generally poked and prodded into admitting the semester was about to start. My department offers two different Ph.Ds: musicology and composition. Each program had a faculty representative at the orientation to answer questions specific to their specialty. In general, there were few questions from the musicologists; their faculty have worked hard to nail down degree guidelines, language requirements, and departmental expectations.

Then the composers started asking questions. After the first few "I don't know" answers from our faculty member, the musicologist representative (who also happens to be the director of graduate studies) began to look worried. After a few more, he jumped in and suggested that the composition faculty meet ASAP to actually solidify the program requirements. Our faculty member admitted to being sufficiently embarrassed on behalf of the composition faculty, and promised to take care of the situation.

The composition program has been in existence for about 7 years.

What terrified me the most was the fun reaction to the question of when the MA actually gets awarded along the path to the Ph.D. Both professors piped up at the same time, with two completely different answers: "at the end of the 2nd year" vs. "after comps in the third year". Hooray. No one in my program has ever gotten it before; they all came into the program with MAs and didn't care to have another one. I'm doubly interested in an answer to this question: I came straight from my BA, and I'm planning on leaving at the end of the second year and would prefer to do so with an MA in hand. Luckily, the faculty responded with an answer after only a few days: I'll get an MA at the end of the second year after my huge paper is (hopefully) approved by the faculty.

Our faculty rep was nice enough to meet with the composers after the orientation to see if we had any other questions he COULD answer, and to compile a list of what we all wanted to know. Unfortunately, the only answer he could really give us about all the fuzzy degree requirements was, "Well, we're a pretty young program, we've pretty much been making it up as we go along." I'll reiterate. Seven years this program has been around. If this were an undergraduate program, all of the requirements would have had to be nailed down before the major could even be offered, and the grandfather clause is in full effect should any changes be made during the program's evolution. Why are grad programs held to a lesser standard? The grandfather clause bit especially irks me, but I'll get to that next time.

So, if the faculty gets to make things up as they wish, does that mean I get to make up research, assignments, and excuses too?!

Great start to the year.

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Changes [2] - Composing, Philosophy, and Power Games

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Continuing on from the previous post, I want to elaborate a little on my issues with the faculty as composition teachers and the Big Damn Fuckup that was my first year meeting.

I was planning to give the department a second chance this term, see if my second year got any better with one professor gone on sabbatical and another who was gone last year returned to active duty. The meeting in June was the last straw, however. First of all, the fact that I didn't even know about the meeting until the day before speaks to the department's disorganization and unclear expectations. Then, as I'm waiting outside the door for my turn, a guy in the second year of the program me tells me that this meeting determines whether or not I can advance to the next year of the degree and their expectations are really high. Something this important, and I wasn't told? I get in there and essentially get ripped apart, alternately told that my piece is really innovative and terribly executed. Without reciting the entire conversation, they were expecting a publisher-ready score and had different ideas for how the piece should have gone. Interesting, considering it's my piece and I thought that my musical ideas were the ones being expressed, not theirs.

Admittedly, part of the problem is system shock. I was always taught by previous composition teachers that your music is your own, and no one can tell you how you should write it; advice can be given on technique and the like but ultimately, it's your piece. Coming to this place and being told what specifically to change has been a serious issue for me, and I just don't believe in that type of artistic instruction. If something in one of my pieces doesn't work, fine, let me know where and why and I'll figure out how to correct it on my own. I retain creative control over my work, the piece is still 100% my own thought and effort, but it's better for the constructive criticism that's been given.

Another part of the issue was the quality they were demanding from the score when they knew that (1) I'd never produced a non-standard written score before, (2) was striking out into new notation territory, and (3) got little real help from the faculty past the initial very rough draft. Seems like setting me up for failure and a nice dressing down, which I certainly got. Sure, everyone needs to get knocked down a few pegs when they get to grad school; we all come out of undergrad as the top of our class, the best of the best, the ones in charge. Obviously, that doesn't continue in grad school. However, I've found through my own experiences and from talking to others that you get humbled more than enough within the first few weeks, if not the first few days. The first time I sat down to discuss the listening and reading assignments for a seminar class, I felt so horrible about myself I wanted to quit. I thought I was dumber than shit on a brick and would never make it through school. Additional dressing down not necessary; I already feel stupid and useless, thanks. Skip the unnecessary pot shots at my non-existent ego and give me some real feedback. Being told "...you're going to have to work twice as hard to be as smart as everyone else here" is just cruel, and that's an actual quote.

At the end of the meeting, though, I was stunned but largely okay. I had some things to fix, some of which I really didn't want to change but would for the sake of passing my first year. Then came the cherry on top. They ask me when I can have my revisions in, and I tell them that I'll be leaving town very soon, already have a summer job, several other time commitments, and some work for another professor that I had promised I would have finished before I left town. I say that it's unlikely I'll be able to begin revisions until after I return from Atlantic Center for the Arts (something they should have been proud of, but didn't acknowledge at all). The head of the department says no, forget about Professor Y, he can wait, this comes first. None of that other stuff matters, this is your degree, you have to do this to advance to the second year. You need this done in two weeks, forget all that other crap.

I don't appreciate being told what my priorities are. When I make a commitment to something I follow through, and that's that. I will not drop my job, my previous coursework, or anything else that I've already committed to because you decided to give one day's notice for a meeting in which you tell me that what you want is more important than anything else, ever. They actually told me to just pull lots of all-nighters and get it done. Promoting unhealthy work habits in your students? Yeah, okay, sometimes we do pull all-nighters, but it's our own choice and it's usually because we've not managed our time well. That's our problem. I won't sacrifice a healthy amount of sleep just because you want to show me how much control you can exert over me.

So, I ignored what they said and revised my piece after I got back from the residency. Soon afterwards, a message was sent out to the whole department by the head of music graduate studies with the guidelines for revisions of first year projects and papers. The policy states that we have until mid-September to do revisions. This is not a new policy.

It was all a power game.

To be continued.

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Changes [1] - Provocation and Revelation

I've been waffling about what to write in this post. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I've been trying to avoid having it all rush out in one big projectile of incoherent, stinking blog-vomit. So much has changed in the last three months; it's hard for me to parse, even now. I suppose that, just like the last time the proverbial shit hit the equally proverbial fan, I'll start with the facts and elaborate over as many posts as necessary. Otherwise...I'll never start. No wonder so many academic papers begin the same way!

Anyway.

Fact #1: The composition faculty, at a big important end-of-semester meeting that I didn't know existed until the day before it happened, told me that my first year composition project needed revisions. Okay, fine. No big deal, was expected. They dictated to me what changes were to be made, and some of them fundamentally altered the piece. They also demanded that I drop everything (job, work left for other professors from the Spring, home responsibilities, etc.) and do the revisions immediately. That is a big deal.

Fact #2: Going to Atlantic Center for the Arts was a life changing experience.

Fact #3: I have finally decided for certain that I will be seeding applications to other universities this fall. The programs I apply to will be MFAs and perhaps Ph.Ds in interdisciplinary arts, not music.

So. Obviously there's a lot going through my head right now. I've been thinking about leaving this university almost since I got here. I've known since the beginning that I don't really fit here, either artistically or socially, but I've been trying to make it work anyway. Great funding, health insurance, a prestigious school seal on my degree, all very nice things...but I've realized that the degree itself matters less to me than the process I go through to get it. If I'm miserable during my entire time at this school, the quality of my work will suffer, and the degree won't be worth a damn because I won't have a good portfolio of music, art, and writing to back it up. Assuming I even got to the degree-acquiring part, considering how incompatible my ideas are with those of the department. I accomplished so little this academic year that I feel quite embarrassed, and after the experiences I've had this summer and the work I've produced, I know that it's not my brain, it's the environment. I was very relieved to discover this. I thought I was broken. So, with renewed confidence in myself, I looked back on my time at this university and realized...wow, this place really blows. And not in the entertaining, orgasmic way.

To be continued.

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