Proverbial Shit, Meet Fan (Part 2)

((Continued from previous entry))

After re-reading the e-mail in which my independent study bid was rejected, I've realized some things.

What irritates me most is that he rejected my independent study request because he thinks I need to do more writing. He said: "There's a serious writing component to the program, & for most people it's the most difficult component. So if you have a chance to work on writing in the context of some academic class, that's helpful. At the end of next year, you'll have to submit an academic paper, typically incl. fairly rigorous analysis, some 'big ideas', a 'clear thesis', and so on. We tend to be pretty demanding about the quality of that paper. It's a big plus for you if you've already basically *written* the paper in some other class."

Now, this makes me very angry for several reasons. (1) I suggested that the independent study have a writing component. (2) Last semester I wrote a paper on my own, not as part of a class, submitted it to a conference, and had it accepted. I had no support from the faculty on this whatsoever. (3) That paper was actually the SECOND academic paper I had written and presented at a professional conference. No other student in my department has done that. Add to that the fact that I'm 8-10 years younger than the average student in the program. I'm not saying my writing is perfect or that I have nothing to learn, not at all. What I am saying, though, is that I don't need an analysis-based class to force me to write. All those classes do is make me churn out bad papers on topics I don't care about. I can do research and write papers on my own about topics that actually interest me, and if I have a faculty advisor who actually cares and is involved then I bet the paper would be even better.

I haven't given up the fight, but I'm just too worn out to pursue it further right now. I'm going to present the above points to him and see if he'll reconsider, but I'm not all that hopeful. I'm more concerned with getting through the semester with my sanity and health intact at this point. I've been sick three times in the past four weeks. I haven't been that bad off since my sophomore year of undergrad, the same year I had a nasty struggle with depression. I've felt myself slipping back to that time, and this recent bout of illnesses has really brought it home how close I am to being back at that point of my life, a place I never though I'd be ever again. Mr. Dead has been quite worried, as he was there for it last time, and has convinced me that I need to schedule a meeting with the composition professors to try and set things right. If it looks like things can't work out for me here, he's made me promise that I'll look for other programs to transfer to.

It scares the crap out of me, because I don't want to have wasted this entire year of work. We're also just getting to the point where we're making friends and having fun here, and now we're talking about leaving. Of course, my biggest fear is that if I leave here, I won't be accepted to any other programs, and then what will I do with my life? Ultimately, though, if I'm miserable here, is it worth it to stay? Even if they offer to change things, will I be happy if I stay, or have I already become too bitter towards them?

Maybe I'll build us a hobbit hole and become a reclusive artist who lives off the land and bites anyone who comes near. That sounds way better than getting some fancy piece of paper.

Proverbial Shit, Meet Fan (Part 1)

There's a lot going on right now, and I don't really know how to start writing about it all. I guess we'll start with some basic facts.

Fact One: My plea for an independent study got rejected.
Fact Two: My health, both physical and mental, has seriously declined over the month of March.
Fact Three: I'm going out of my mind because I hate this department so much.
Fact Four: Mr. Dead has finally convinced me that I need to look in earnest for a different program.

Fact One brings up some major problems, and has been at least partly responsible for Facts Two through Four. As I've complained about before, 4 out of 4 seminars thus far have been analysis-based; I feel like we've gone over method of analysis derived by someone with a typewriter and a need to pad their tenure portfolio. Add the fact that most of this analysis has centered around music I don't even enjoy listening to, and you have one big ball of unhappy, repressed Megan. Most of my classes might have been fine, perhaps even really interesting, had they existed on their own in a mix of different types of classes. I'm in a creative field. Ultimately, this is a music composition Ph.D program. I'm supposed to be making my own art and learning how to write about it, but in reality I've done almost nothing of either one. When they were trying to recruit me here, they told me that I could take my art in whatever direction I wanted. Sure, I can do whatever I want...on my own time, with no support or interest from them. In the meantime, I need to write this type of composition, compose for this ensemble, and analyze these pieces.

I really thought coming to grad school was going to mean more freedom. I thought I would be using this time to develop my own thoughts and opinions, to hone my artistic skills, to find the path that most suits me. The only progress I've made in those areas was done completely on my own, no thanks to them. This place is trying to box me in, instead of help me grow. What's infuriating is that the director of the program keeps insisting that they don't do that, that they're totally open. Maybe that's true at the dissertation level, but I have to survive three years of this bullshit before I get there, and I'm not sure I'm willing to put up with it.

I'll elaborate on the above listed facts as soon as I untangle everything going on in my head. Influx of nasty, pissed off posts, coming right up. To be continued.

Christmas in March! Presents?

My professor and advisor from my undergrad university knew me way too well. Though I tried to play it off as a common trait of serious students, he saw through me and announced it to the class: "Registration is Megan's favorite time of the year. It's like Christmas!"

Okay, so it used to be true. I used to spend hours looking through the course offering book, writing down the numbers for every class that interested me, and making elaborate charts that detailed which graduation requirements I still needed to fulfill, which classes would meet the requirements, and which classes conflicted with each other. I loved classes. I admit it. It's one of the reasons I decided to go to graduate school; I wasn't ready to stop! I took some of the most random things in undergrad that had nothing to do with my degree or career path: Latin I, Human Sexuality, Religion Seminar, Biology 101 (for science majors...ouch!), Love & Sexuality in World Religions...the list goes on. I graduated with something like 152 credits in four years. I was DUMB.

Right now, I could use some of that old dumbness back. Registration time has come around again, and I find myself pretty apathetic. Part of it is the simple lack of options. I'm required to take two seminars each semester, and the composition program is so small that there are usually only two seminars offered, one analysis and one creative. Oh dear me, however shall I choose? True, I'm also required to take two seminars outside the department over the course of two years, but I've already taken one and I'm saving my second one for a creative writing class offered only in the spring. Thing is, though, that every single class I've taken here so far has been analysis-based, due to some weird scheduling issues and professors being on sabbatical. An entire year of analysis. No creative classes. Even my composition lessons have been more focused on technique than creativity, and I've not gotten the chance to do any work on the projects I really want to be devoting my time to. This is a problem. This is one of the big reasons I've been going out of my mind this year and hating my program.

Good news is, I may have found a solution. Independent study! I have an e-mail out to one of the professors asking if he'd be willing to save me from eternal torment and give me this opportunity to have two creative classes next semester. Think of how much I could get done! I might actually get to tackle some of the projects I've been dreaming up since I got here!

It seems too good to be true, after the way things have been going here. But I'm going to hope! A lot!

...and maybe conduct some creepy rituals to ensure the professor agrees. Accept my request for independent study, or the voodoo doll gets it!

Can the Computer Write My Lecture, Too?

I think I deserve a teaching award for today. Most Determined TA, or perhaps Most Inadvertently Entertaining TA.

Today, I have no voice. Between my recent bout of influenza (yes, right on the heels of my spring break illness) and my choir rehearsal last night, my throat has apparently had it with my abusive ways. Of course, Fridays are my lab days, where I teach three computer music lab sections back to back. I bet you see the fun starting already, don’t you? Here are the possible solutions I considered.

Scenario #1: Cancel Class
No way. Today was all about me teaching the kids how to work the portable recorders they’ll be using for their next project, and I really don’t want to waste class time doing that. Besides, I FEEL fine!

Scenario #2: Try to Talk Anyway
By about 9:30, I realized there was no way this was going to work. I had been up for an hour and a half, done lots of productive coughing, downed some tea with honey, and given my voice plenty of chances to show itself. No luck. Best I could produce was a gargling whisper once in a while. Besides, I’ve abused my vocal chords a lot in the past 6 months, and I’m starting to worry that I’ll do permanent damage. Scratch that idea.

Scenario #3: Charades!
I briefly considered trying to convey my short lecture on the M-Audio MicroTrack Recorder through gestures and pointing. Then I laughed at myself on my students’ behalf and moved on.

Scenario #4: Typing Frenzy
This actually had some promise! I type everything out, they read it as we go along, and I show them the buttons as they read. Of course, everyone reads at different speeds, and it’s hard for them to look at the text and look at the recorder at the same time. Okay, fail.

Scenario #5: Text-to-Speech!
A nice improvement on scenario #4: type everything out, but have the computer read it to them while I demonstrate! The computerized voices are pretty funny, and I knew there would be a lot of giggling, but this seemed like the best option for getting the information out there in a way that made sense. We have a winner!

The kids were surprisingly sympathetic for the most part, and I think it went well! They definitely laughed at the computerized voice at first, but they were good about taking notes and helping me out when someone had a question. Class ended up only being about 15 minutes long because of it, but at least they got the information they needed. Mission accomplished! Time to go home and not talk all evening.

Is it dumb that I’m worrying about whether my voice will be back in time for World Dungeons & Dragons Day tomorrow?

This Nutshell is Cramped.

Artist statements suck. Sitting in front of a computer trying to make a short and generic statement about my art and technique sounds like an exercise in eye gouging and facepalming to me.

Unfortunately, my recent residency applications have turned what was formerly a mere observation into a first-hand account. Lucky for me, when my task was complete, my eyes remained intact. Ultimately, it was probably good for me to try and get a handle on my body of work, but I'm not big into defining things that don't need to be defined. It's part of what makes me a bad academic.

Anyway, here's what I came up with. Hopefully it doesn't make you want to gouge eyes, too.

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"I believe that the concert hall is far too limiting to contain all musical expression. In my work, I attempt to present music in as many forms as possible by invading the art gallery, the theater, the internet, and most especially the streets and alleys of the city. An evening concert is a wonderful experience, but reaches only a small fraction of the population. I seek to bring the sounds of 21st century music to a variety of audiences in any location I can get to.

Moving outside traditional music venues often means fusing sound with other creative disciplines. Much of my work is inspired by literature, visual arts, and theater. Many pieces begin with the question, “How can I combine music with that?” and end with a hybrid work created in partnership with another artist. Unique spaces, both virtual and physical, also intrigue me and often lead to site-specific performances and installations.

Technology is an essential element of my work and is used both in enabling the presentation of sound in odd locations and in bending sound into new roles. I work with a variety of hardware and software in creating my pieces, and especially enjoy blending traditional acoustic instruments with new technology. I firmly believe in the laptop as a performance instrument, and consider it my most important tool in creating music."

Spring Break: 2009 Report

Well. That didn't go as well as I had hoped. Remember that nice mantra I was repeating about not getting sick? Apparently my meditative powers failed me, because I spent all but two days of spring break coughing up vital organs all over the couch. There was a pretty hefty to-do list for spring break, one that included both things that needed to get done, as well as things I'd been wanting to do for a long time. Most of the wants fell through; no new website layout, blog layout is still under construction, no work done on art projects or composition. However, lots of the needs got taken care of, some to a better extent than I'd hoped for. 

Big news number one is that not only was I able to get some apartment/house searching done, I found a house that was perfect for us. Even better? It's ours now, with a lease starting on May 8th (the last day of finals, incidentally). All one level, a yard for the dog, no roof leaks, close to campus, along several bus routes, and cheaper than our current townhome! We're extremely relieved to have found this place, and that was definitely the highlight of spring break. 

In between naps and delirious headaches, I was able to scrape together an edited version of my portfolio DVD and write a new artist statement, which I'll probably post here. Those were the hardest parts of my residency application packages, so getting the rest together to be postmarked by that Friday wasn't too bad. All of my grading got done, albeit later than I'd hoped, and I was even easy on the kids like the professor wanted (feh...). I spoke last entry about Mr. Dead and I working to get healthy again, and I'm pleased to report that we've actually made progress on that front. We've been doing some light exercise at least 5 days/week, and we're actually eating better, too. I really hope we stick with it because I can always think and work better when I'm healthy, and I'll need the extra boost to my well-being to get through finals time. All-in-all, I'm not doing too bad. 

Things are going to be pretty crazy from here to the end of the semester, of course. The end of spring break always heralds the beginning of a two-month-long crunch time. Though I'm not thrilled about the final papers that'll be due, the grading hell that exams bring, my end-of-year-one portfolio review, or the high stress level that permeates the air, I am looking forward to being done with my first year of grad school. 

Eight weeks until the hardest part is over.

Eight weeks until we move into our new house. 

Eight weeks until a three-month break where I can re-orient myself and figure out how to make the best of my time here. 

...but who's counting?