Grading: The Finale

((This is a continuation of Monday's post, "No Cowboy Boots at the Symphony".))

Grading concert reports, part trois. Some of these are so damned funny, it is my obligation as a human being to share them. 

-- "I was looking extremely dapper with a sexy collared shirt and some nice trousers, while my roommate was looking a little grungy."

-- "We were sitting so close that my roommate was able to identify a hickey on the neck of one of the violinists, later we realized it was just a mark from the chin strap of his instrument."

-- "Strauss's Horn Concerto No. 1 in E flat major, Op. 11 was more impressive. The beat was catchier, and at times, surprisingly hip."

-- "I was even honored when a drop from his spit-valve so eloquently splattered off the stage and landed on my left shoe." ((same guy as above, referring to the horn soloist))

-- "Although, I never fell asleep in the concert, I did solve my problem of restless nights by downloading a Strauss song to play everynight." ((This guy said Death and Transfiguration put him to sleep...I really wonder which song he downloaded, considering Strauss is known for his loud, flashy brass fanfares! >D Bwahaha...))

-- "The conductor raised her conducting twig and the symphony began."

-- "It was interesting to see how with a tiny stick the conductor orchestrated each and every instrument within the orchestra like she was a quarterback." ((This amuses me because it's an example of how my football player students like to relate EVERYTHING back to their sport. Not a bad thing, just a bit funny! This same guy also produces hip hop music himself, which I think is really cool!))

But more important than all the humorous quotes in the world, one girl said this about Mahler's "Adagietto":

-- "I found myself covered in goosebumps and my eyes slightly wetted with tears from the peaceful effect of the notes and the perfect tune and harmony of the instruments playing together."

That's what it's all for.

Catharsis Through Clarinet

Grading concert reports, part deux. Of course, I have more hilarious student quotes to share, but now isn't the time for that. This assignment of theirs is actually making me realize some pretty important things. 

For the past 10 years, since I first picked up a clarinet in the 7th grade, I have always been a member of a large ensemble of some sort, usually a symphonic band. Ten years of intense ensemble work, everything from beginning band in junior high to the nationally-acclaimed Stetson University Symphonic Band. My experience as part of the Stetson band is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. I can't even count the number of times I was moved to tears by the music we were making, both during rehearsals and concerts. I bawled like a little girl at the end of my final band rehearsal in my senior year, knowing that going into composition, I would probably never have such intense musical experiences as a performer ever again. I really poured my whole emotional self into performing that music, and now for the first time in 10 years, I don't have any sort of outlet. I also took a lot of inspiration from the pieces we performed and the emotions they evoked. I'm beginning to wonder if my lack of ensemble participation is contributing to my dry spell of creativity. Ultimately, I feel a giant hole in my life that needs to be filled by the sort of cathartic musical experience only a large ensemble can provide. If next semester goes well enough and I think I can handle it, I'm going to talk to the conductor here and see what sort of time committment is involved in both the symphony orchestra and the wind ensemble. Yes, I already play in the New Music Ensemble here, and it's a lot of fun, but it's very small chamber music work. And ultimately...as much as I admire and enjoy the music of Cage and Reich, it just doesn't grip my heart the way Strauss and Maslanka and Lauridsen do. 

Of course, the choice of program for the concert these kids did their assignment on is particularly poignant. Check out the selection:

Wagner, Der Fliegende Hollander (The Flying Dutchman): Overture

Strauss, Concerto No. 1 for Horn and Orchestra

Mahler, "Adagietto" from Symphony No. 5

Strauss, Death and Transfiguration

The first two pieces are wonderful and dramatic, but the last two...well, they're two of the most emotional pieces ever written. Adagietto was written about Mahler's longing for his future wife. The story goes that he gave her the score when he proposed to her. The conductor described it as him "pouring his heart out in strings". Death and Transfiguration was written when Strauss was only 25, and describes a man who lay dying with his life flashing before his eyes and his eventual death and ascension to heaven. As Strauss himself lay dying so many years later, he told his friend that dying was exactly as he had written about all those years ago. Powerful stuff. It makes my chest swell just thinking about it. I need to have these experiences again, I have to have this part of my life back. I'm not content to merely sit back and listen, though experiencing music live from an audience perspective is a different and wonderful experience in its own right. I need to play again. Soon. 

Isn't Blue Supposed to be Calming?

I am not my most efficient when working on the living room couch. This seems like an obvious, dumbass fact, but it's something that's been bogging me down for months now. When we first moved to this town in June, we did a pretty good job of unpacking and setting things to right. We even painted our soon-to-be office an amazing color of bright blue that we find very creatively inspiring and made plans to graffiti the walls and use chalkboard paint to recreate the sort of working environment we were used to. Then, my husband finally landed a job, and I had to start school. Progress halted. We eventually got sick of looking at all the unpacked boxes and shoved them all into our would-be office so the rest of our house could actually feel like home. The room remained in this box-filled state until this past weekend, when I finally decided that enough was enough, if I'm going to make it through finals this semester, I need a place to work that isn't soft and cushy and full of puppies and video game systems. So. There is now room on my desk to work. There's lots of open floor space to walk to my desk. We even bought some drawer sets to store cables and mics and such in! I now have a Work Space that is not the same as my Relaxing Space. This is a Good Thing. This will hopefully mean my productivity for the last three weeks of school will be much higher than the rest of the semester. The end is in sight. The deadlines are looming, now. My schedule is not nearly as hectic as some, as the work load for Composers in Production is unusually light, but I'm still quite worried. For my own benefit:

Deadlines

-- Prepare a one-hour presentation on my project for Composers in Production (12/1)
-- Create a nearly-finished draft of composition for visiting ensemble (12/1)
-- Prepare a one-hour presentation on my paper for Materials of Contemporary Music (12/2)
-- Administer and grade final exam for Music 101 (12/5)
-- Turn in 20 page paper for Materials of Contemporary Music (12/10)
-- Write a paper of indeterminate length for Supervised Research? (12/?)

Wish me luck. 

No Cowboy Boots at the Symphony

((Brief note: the entry from 11/13 about teaching evaluations is finally done. Check it out!))

As usual, I'm spending another night grading a seemingly endless stack of Music 101 papers. The assignment this time was to attend the symphony orchestra concert and write a 2-3 page concert report. I've found reading these papers to be very uplifting so far; some of the kids really had a wonderful time at the concert and seem to have finally gotten what this is all about. There are a few, of course, who just resist every single thing in this class, but for the most part the response has been overwhelmingly positive. As usual, I have to share some particularly funny, terrible, and touching moments from my students' assignments:

-- The week of the concert, we had the conductor of the orchestra come in to talk about the pieces they'd be playing and give the kids a bit more information about how an orchestra works and what a conductor does. She explained the sort of feedback loop of energy that exists between the orchestra, conductor, and audience during a live performance that makes it feel different from a recording. She knew she was sounding new age-ish and mystical, she said, but that they would understand at the performance. One student admitted in his paper that he had been very skeptical about the whole energy idea, but after experiencing the live performance he couldn't possibly deny the connection and that he was completely carried away by their performance of Strauss's Death and Transfiguration. I'm always wary when I read papers like this because I feel like the kids are telling me what I want to hear, but this really rang with a sincerity that I found moving. 

-- During the intermission, one student began talking to the elderly woman next to him. She asked why he was taking notes and said that she didn't know anything about the upcoming pieces. He told her he was there for music class and proceeded to tell her what he had learned about the next pieces! She was very impressed. He said, "It seemed for me astonishing at the time, but I made a new friend, fifty years older than me, in a music concert!"

-- "There was a specific part in the concert I liked where the people in the concert sped up the paste of the violins to make the tempo of the music speed up drastically." ((yes...he actually put "paste"))

-- My favorite excerpt from these papers actually came from a student in the other TA's class. This kid, knowing that he should dress better than usual to go to the concert, put on his nicest button-up shirt and his best pair of cowboy boots. Almost his entire paper was about how self-conscious he was when he showed up to the concert and saw all the nice old people in suits and dresses. It was apparently very poorly written, but so sincere it made the other TA want to cry! The final line of the paper: "Now I know that I should not wear cowboy boots to the symphony." ((It's so funny, but so sweet at the same time! *sniffle*))

More entries featuring the wisdom of my students will be posted as I finish grading these papers over the next few days!

Cake in a Mug

No, really. My subject line is neither sarcastic nor intended for humor (alone). Cake in a Mug is quite possibly the world's most perfect food. I admittedly haven't tried it yet, but just LOOK at it! It can be prepared just about anywhere. You can mix the dry ingredients ahead of time. You can add chocolate chips! My mind is blown by cake. In a mug. Could there be a better snack for those late night paper writing sessions? 

There's even a variation for Honeybun Coffee Cake and Lemon Glaze Cake. I fully intent to modify this recipe in as many ways as possible and abuse it to get me through the rest of this semester. It can be prepared anywhere, even the grad office in the trailer!

I think I'm in love.

To make your own Cake in a Mug, see this wired article

How's my Driving?

So, I asked for midterm teaching evaluations from my students today. Since this is my first time teaching a class, I gave them a pretty long evaluation to fill out: What do you like/disklike most about this class, what do you want more/less of, do you feel comfortable participating in discussions, do you do the readings, and what do you like/dislike about my teaching style. All three of my classes have very distinct personalities and work ethics, and it definitely came out in the evaluations. My 9:30 class, by far the best of the three, gave me glowing reviews. My 12:30 class, which is full of slackers and whiners, still gave me pretty good reviews overall, but with much more complaining. Here's a summary of all three classes' responses:

• - They enjoy my very laid back classroom environment & teaching style
  
• - They think I'm easily approachable
  
• - They wish I would grade their assignments faster (lawl, not happening!)
  
• - Most of them actually do the reading, except when they're really swamped
  
• - They enjoy it most when we use discussion time to look really in-depth into a particular piece of music
  
• - Some want more music theory, some want less music theory 
  
• - Some want me to talk more, some want me to talk less
  
• - They like how I play random music as they get to class in the morning
  
• - They all hate the long awkward pauses when I ask a question and no one has an answer. (way to win, guys)
  
• - A few of them want more extra credit (lawl!)
  
• - Several of them wish I would basically teach them the test (quote: "I don't like discussing things not about tests/quizzes")
  
• - They want me to spend more time reinforcing the week's lecture material (this is a good idea, but the professor gives us brand new material that she specifically wants up to cover in discussion. Very frustrating)
  
• - In general they want more listening examples, some even want to do more singing in class
  
• - They want more ties to modern day music (again, I'd love to, but I'm bound by the stupid syllabus ><;;)
• - They wish we could cover some world music, too (again, wish I could)
  

There is one thing I know for sure I really need to work on, and fast. I think I may actually be subconsciously treating my 12:30 class differently from the others because they're my worst group. That needs to stop. The kids in that class tended to think I was more uptight and unapproachable, whereas the other classes said that they loved the exact OPPOSITE about me! I'm obviously doing something quite wrong in that section, so I'm really going to try to fix that

And now, of course, we need some of the winning quotes:

Do the reading? - "Yes, of course, who not? It's homework, it's required." ((Hooray!!))

Like the least? - "asking dumb questions about the music. I don't care how it makes me "feel", it's a subjective not an objective question. If I wanted another subjective class I'd take creative writing not music." ((Oi, music is subjective by nature, like all art!))

Like the least? - "I wish we would spend less time on Gregorian Chant." (Amen! Got this comment several times.)

Teaching style - "Megan's great. One of the best TAs at this school." (Haha, I just had to include this one for the ego stroke. I know it isn't true, but it feels nice anyway!)

Here's hoping I can make some changes for the better!

Beethoven Composed for Caribou Barbie.

Short post today for two reasons: 

1) I have an assload of prep to do for class tomorrow

2) The Wrath of the Lich King expansion pack for World of Warcraft releases at midnight tonight. 

Hopefully I'm making up for length with content. I'd like to share with you some excerpts from papers my students have written. The assignment was as follows:

"Listen to Beethoven's 5th Symphony and write a narrative to go along with the music. Be sure to connect the events in your story back to events in the piece."

Memorable quotes:

"BITCH!!!"

"The cheese is too big and clumsy to roll gently over the rug. [...] He can almost taste the cheese of victory."

"This builds and builds into an inclusion of the entire orchestra as McCain re-energizes his conservative base with the selection of Caribou Barbie (Sarah Palin) as his Vice Presidential candidate."

"This piece open up dramatically and really grabs your attention. After listening to this piece all the way through, it kind of reminded me of a football game." *proceeds to tell a football story without connecting it to music at all*

"No aspect of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony protrudes itself more robustly than the unavoidable rhythmic motive."

...And now, for my personal favorite. This student portrayed themself as the chairman of Apple. His story involved travelling back to the era of Beethoven...to sell iPods. The Apple employees he created for his story are named Bill Gates Jr. and James Obama. Some excerpts:

"Sir, even if it may affect our present, I think that overall your idea is brilliant." 

"In front of me stands a funny apocalypse."

"Now, it is the French army that comes from the hole."

"Hey, Vienna, laugh with me. It is the end of the world!"

I love my students. :) 

Picking my Poison: Spring 2009

So, my course schedule for next semester looks like this:

MUSI 725 – Performing Antique and Modernities
ENSP 545 – Narrative & Time
MUSI 892 – Supervised Research
MUSI 782 – Composition Lessons

Respectively, these courses are:

• - A musicology seminar that “focuses on how people perform themselves as part of a modern world” and how “technology and intercultural dialogue play into the construction of modernities”.
  
• - A special topics course in the English department about fictional narrative and the construction and deconstruction of time. Involves reading many novels.
  
• - An independent study where I can research and write about whatever I want.
  
• - Just how it sounds – private composition lessons with one of the composition faculty.
  

I’ll also be TAing MUSI 339, Intro to Music and Computers, taught by the new visiting lecturer. I’ll TA the lecture portion, then I’ll be teaching the software in the lab portion. I’m a little nervous being the only TA, but I honestly think this’ll be a HELL of a lot better than the class I’m currently TAing.

I’m ridiculously excited about this English class. I e-mailed the professor to make sure he wouldn’t mind having a music grad student in his class, and his response was: “Would I mind having a music student along for the ride? Are you kidding? Couldn't be better. Music, in fact, lies at the heart of my thinking. From time to time I've thought of a course in Music and Narrative, though the way that particular body of ideas was practiced twenty years ago seemed to me to miss the point, and since then, it seems to have been out of favor. So yes. I'd love to have you in the class.” Lawl. Just reading his syllabus and exchanging e-mails with him makes me really excited to take his class. He sounds like just the creative type of person who is still excited about art and life that I really want to be around and learn from. Of course, there’s also the whole fact that this class plays perfectly into my current independent research. Overall, next semester is looking far more interesting! It looks like I’ll actually be kept busy, too, instead of having a slack class like I do this semester. I’m one of those dumb people that either needs to be completely free, or so busy I might die. I don’t do the in between well at all (ex. this semester). The good thing is, though, that I’ve found a way to turn my slack class into something much more interesting so that maybe I can finish out the semester on a strong note. I’ve managed to shoehorn the project that my husband and I are collaborating on into that class, essentially making the planning stages of it into my final project. Win. I’m really looking forward to next semester, now. But first…I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving break. /headdesk

A Break from Negativity

Last night, I had an hour and a half long phone conversation with my professor and mentor from undergrad (we’ll call him “N”) about all the issues I’ve been having with the composition program here. I have to say, I feel immensely better now, and I no longer feel the need to bolt and go find a program that’s better suited to me. I was able to talk out a lot of the problems I’ve been having, and he really helped me figure out which were stupid things I just have to put up with and which I need to actually do something about. N reminded me that if there’s something wrong with the program here, something lacking, I have a voice and I should use it. I’ll go into detail about some of these issues later; they deserve their own entry. Ultimately, he gave me a lot of great advice, and it was so helpful to be able to just talk to someone I trust who’s been there.

Out of all of this came a decision about next semester that I was already leaning toward: I’m not taking any composition classes other than private lessons next semester. Not only do I feel like the composition courses here are horribly dry, but I actually feel like they’re sucking the life out of my compositions. When we were talking last night, N pointed out that it’s what you do outside of composition that feeds back into it as inspiration. I realized he’s absolutely right. When I was in the digital arts department, I was constantly surrounded by creative people doing all sorts of really interesting, non-computer music stuff. Video art. Installations. Improvisation. I was also in liberal arts classes, and those fed into it, too. Very little of what I did was actually studying computer music. While this has left me with huge gaps in my knowledge, I feel like a much more well-rounded and creative person - a perfectly viable trade-off, in my mind. I’m suffering by immersing myself in all this dry theory of computer music. I need to have the knowledge, I don’t deny that, but I can’t let it stifle my creativity. I feel a lot more motivated now that I have a direction, and I really think that if I can just survive the end of this semester, I’ll be able to make it. The number one piece of advice that N gave me was to find a project I care about and throw myself into it. That’s what he did when he was in this first semester slump in grad school, and it made all the difference. My husband and I actually have a collaboration we’ve been starting the research for, and it’s looking really exciting. I think we have a really good, solid concept, and it’s something we’re both really into. I’ll have to devote an entry to that project sometime soon.

I’m going to use this newfound hope and motivation to go register for next semester’s courses and get some work done. It’s so nice to make a post that isn’t overwhelmingly negative!

Calling BS: Spectromorphology

"Calling BS" is a Ph.Dead feature in which I lament over those pretentious academics who deem themselves important enough to make up words or concepts and expect a) that we know what the hell they're talking about, and b) that others will use them, too. 

---

Calling BS, 11/10/08: Spectromorphology

I have a great personal grudge against this word. In the field of electroacoustic music, it's impossible to get away from it. One of the great dilemmas of the field is finding a good way to talk about music that often has no score, and that uses sounds in ways we aren't familiar with. It's kind of the popular thing to do when you need to publish something to try to come up with your own solution to the problem. Denis Smalley is one of the few whose ideas actually caught on and became widely talked about among electroacoustic musicians, and for good reason. He's actually quite well respected, and he's not really a bad guy. However, he loses major points in my book for coming up with this clunker of a word. Who the hell wants to write a 20-page paper on Spectromorphology and have to type out that mammoth over and over? Just having to write a 3-page summary of the article in which he introduces the word made me want to cry. To add insult to injury, he not only invents this term, but coins a few others and appropriates dozens more in his attempt to create his “spectromorphological vocabulary”. For the record, here is the origin of this troublesome word:

“I have developed the concepts and terminology of spectromorphology as tools for describing and analysing listening experience. The two parts of the term refer to the interaction between sound spectra (spectro-) and the ways they change and are shaped through time (-morphology).”

In fact, Smalley even admits that his word is FAIL:

“The term may be rather jargonistic and it is perhaps an ungainly word, but I have not managed to invent an alternative which encapsulates the interactive components so accurately.”

I personally vote for “Bob”. 

((All quotes are taken from Smalley, D. 1997. Spectromorphology: explaining sound-shapes.  Organized Sound 2(2): 107-126.))

I Failed my Charisma Check

Should I be worried that my main forms of social interaction are playing Dungeons & Dragons and World of Warcraft? I suppose this is only slightly worse than other grad students, who mostly only hang out with other students in their department, but I'm still concerned. It helps that my husband participates in these activities with me; and hell, it's honestly better than sitting in front of the TV all day. At least this way I have some sort of contact with other human beings. Hell, I've been in my WoW guild for a year and a half now, my guild leader and his girlfriend came to my wedding, I have college friends in the guild, and I would really call several of the people in there my friends. Dungeons & Dragons is even better – I meet every Sunday with physical human beings, and we eat, drink, and chat while playing a game together. That's not so bad, right? We're all pretty normal, well-adjusted human beings with lives and significant others and jobs...well, except for me and the other grad student. But still. After being in this town for 5 months and not managing to make any friends outside of my D&D group, I'm afraid I'm forced to rate my social skills as FAIL. I've never been great at making friends, it always just either happens or it doesn't. I've never been able to force it. As a result, I know nothing about any other the people in my department. The whole thing is quite disconcerting. You'd think that friendship would come naturally to a group of people with one very important life-long interest in common. In some places, and for some people, I'm sure it does.

Perhaps yet another clue that I'm in the wrong program at the wrong school?

A Riot of Apathy?

Another day, another dollar. Another class of beautiful, soul-shaking music written by horribly racist, terrible people, another completely apathetic, silent reaction from the class. What is WRONG with these kids? It's not like I'm playing them Gregorian Chant or early baroque music...this is music of the romantic period, some of the most emotional music in the world! I ask for an opinion, like it or no? Three kids out of forty are willing to offer an opinion. I ask if the fact that Wagner was an anti-semetic prick should play into our opinion of his music. “Uh...I guess? I dunno.” I play them Stravinsky's Rite of Spring, a primitivist, violent, dissonant, pounding piece of music that caused a riot when it premiered. I ask them how it's different from Mozart. “Um...there's more rhythm.”

...

*deep, calming breath*

Are all kids so apathetic these days, or is it just this bunch? I know they aren't music majors, but that doesn't excuse the bullshit I get (or rather, don't get) from this bunch every week. At the very least, I would rather they talk out their asses and be completely wrong than put up with the resounding silence every week. I've tried everything I can to move these kids. I've tried presenting them with the most emotional music I can find, I've tried giving them the most bland stuff I can dig up, I've tried giving them admirable composers who lived extraordinary lives, and I've tried offending them with racism and sexism. Totally flatline. 

I'm honestly at a loss. What can you do with completely emotionless students when talking about music? 

Sampling Pinecones

This was prompted by a quote from a visiting composer who lectured in one of my courses yesterday. After listening to a piece of my music, he said, “Much of modern music hurts to listen to. Your music was not painful.”

In the field of computer music, we like to think our art is misunderstood, or just ahead of its time and therefore only able to be appreciated by an enlightened few. I'd like to go on record and say that I hate roughly half (if not more) of the experimental music out there. Why? Well...let's take a look at this edition of the webcomic Pictures for Sad Children for a succinct description:

'Nuff said. I personally believe that music shouldn't be painful unless you're trying to convey a sense of physical pain in your piece. I love noise-based music, feedback, and all the other tools of the trade...but if they aren't used well, I want to stick a fucking pencil in my ear. If that's MY reaction, someone who is used to this crap and trained to appreciate it, what the hell must a casual listener think? I've come to the opinion that people want to feel like the misunderstood artist, labouring against the constraints of society. You know what I think about that? You can send a message and rebel against the status quo without damaging our hearing and brains, you pretentious bastard. I get criticized within my field for my music being too “pretty”, or too “normal”. I personally think it's much more fun to work within the constraints that society gives us, slipping in the experimental things in a way that doesn't offend the average listener. I'd rather subvert the listener, presenting my experimental ideas in a pretty, unsuspecting package that they can appreciate, slowly opening people to new ideas. People don't like sudden, violent change. Most of the time it doesn't actually work. But sometimes...sometimes, I actually get through to people. And after all, what is music without an audience? Yes...I'm probably just as pretentious as everyone else. But at least I don't cause people pain in the process, right? 

Introduction

In true grad student form, I require an excuse to actually get anything done. NaBloPoMo has given me that excuse. 

The idea for this blog has been beating around inside my head since before the semester even started, when I discovered the hard fact of life about grad school: everyone is a fucking pompous asshole. No one cares about anything other than their field, politics, and sports. No one ever has trouble getting motivated or getting their work done. No one ever feels burned out on their topic. 

I call bullshit.

I'm a first year Ph.D student studying computer music composition. I'm burned out and unmotivated more often than not these days. Grad school has thus far proven to be disappointing, confusing, and snobbish, though I've been assured that the first year is always the worst. I'll be blogging about many different aspects of graduate school; student teaching, stuffy academic writing, pretentious jerks, and of course music.  Don't get me wrong, grad school is a wonderful thing. I love that I'm able to research and learn and teach, some of the things I love most in life. Sometimes, though...it really sucks massive Godzilla balls.

Since I both found out about NaBloPoMo late and took forever to get my ass motivated, I'll be posting twice for at least five days this month to make up for November 1st-5th. I say this knowing that it's not really feasible for me to post every single day...but I guess I'm going to try anyway. I'm even going to try to do a semi-periodic feature: Calling BS. I'll post a full introduction to the concept when I post the first entry, but the basic idea is to make fun of the academic assholes who make up their own words to sound sophisticated and to give me an outlet for the frustration this sort of behavior generates. Ultimately, if I end up with something close to 20 entries at the end of November, I'll be satisfied with my efforts. 

So, there you have it. Outtakes, blunders, and gripes from academic America.

Grad school. I will likely be dead or insane before the end of my 5 (or 7, or 10, or 18) years here. Wish me luck.