Can I Write My Paper About Space Monkeys?

Some very hard-working people have inspired me to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get to work. When I talk to my grad student friends I know from other departments, they sound like I did in undergrad. They talk about how swamped with work they are, how much effort they're putting in, but in the end everything gets done and it's all good work. Right now, they're all going nuts with the end of the semester looming, frantically researching their final papers and climbing toward that staggering page count. I've been having the opposite problem since I got here; since I've been so unhappy with everything they're forcing me to do here that it's killed my motivation. They work so hard, but I just don't care anymore. Without motivation, and without a topic to care about, I find myself freaking out at the last minute trying to churn out some bullshit, and it ends up being subpar work that I'm not proud of. I used to enjoy (as much as anyone can enjoy) writing academic papers for two reasons: I liked the research phase of collecting tons of books and learning a bunch of new stuff, and I liked the "job well done" feeling that came with writing a paper and knowing I did the best I could. I liked being able to go back, read a paper, and be proud of the conclusions I had drawn. Now, I feel like I can't make myself work, no matter what I do.

Well, I'm just going to try harder now. I have two final papers coming up. One of them I know I can enjoy writing, because I have three topics in mind that I can get into. That paper, of course, is for my English class. If not for that class, I might have gone crazy and left by now. Of course, it only has to be 10 pages. Figures that the one I care about is the short one. My other paper has to be 20-40 pages, and it's going to be really hard to find a topic that I give a damn about that will actually fit the class. For the most part, I've found the music we're studying to be pretty painful to listen to. The thought of listening to it enough times to write a 20+ page analysis of it makes me sad inside. I have a meeting today with that professor to brainstorm paper topics, and he's the only professor I've felt comfortable talking to about my give-a-shit issues, so he seems on board for helping me find a topic I care about. I hope we can come up with something without me having to tell him that I hate the music he's devoted his life to studying. I really want to do a good job with this paper, if for no other reason than to prove to myself that I still have the ability to work hard. If I find a topic I can really get into, then I'd love to use this paper for the big paper I have to turn in at the end of year two to prove that I can write like an academic. That paper is apparently a really big deal, so most people try to write it as part of a class so it goes through lots of editing. If nothing else, that idea serves as some extra motivation. Less work further down the road? Yes, please. In fact, it's time for that meeting right now. Here's hoping it's not painful.